7
Apr
A thanks to Selorian for providing the Story Starter for this one, although I didn’t use it in the normal way.
Nathan ran. He sprinted down alleyways, jumping over drunks and around waste, and yet the inexorable cloak came on. That was how Nathan thought of the man chasing him, as the ‘cloak’. A black cloak covered the pursuer’s body, and an equally dark hood rendered his face invisible. Once, as Nathan, slipped on the muck as he turned a corner, he heard the clank as a throwing dagger spun off of the wall next to him. Fear drove Nathan onwards, into the Spiral, the foetid mess of ruined buildings and ruined lives that hung at the centre of the city.
Nathan had arrived in this predicament by accident. He was a thief by trade, and was scouting a merchant’s mansion when he saw the cloak leaving – by an upper story window. Knowing what that meant, the thief had dropped from his perch and taken off. Of course, Nathan had been too late, and he carried a small nick from a dagger that grazed his upper arm.
Jumping over a pair of drunks rolling in the gutter, Nathan dove round a corner, feet scrabbling for purchase on the muddy streets. He was heading for one of his hideouts, one where he could slip down into the sewers and lose his pursuer in the mass of tunnels and filth. If only that blasted assassin would fall behind. But no, every time Nathan slowed going round a corner, there was the whine of a passing knife, skittering off the old plaster and brick.
He wondered if he was being herded. Nathan didn’t think so, he’d been in the lead the whole way, but the cloak’s uncanny ability to keep him just in sight was beginning to wear thin. Time to do something about that. Nathan burst through the nearest door, sprinting up the stairs and out onto the roof, where he leaped to the next roof, landing hard in a roll. Gods, he was breathing hard.
Chest hurting from the impact, Nathan proceeded to leap from roof to roof, zigzagging deeper into the Spiral. No knives had flown past in the last few minutes, and so he paused to look backwards. A curse fell from his lips, for only a roof behind was the cloak, marching onwards and reaching for a dagger. Throwing himself into a roll, Nathan fell down the far side of the building, catching his fingers on the edge for a moment before dropping to the alley beneath. The hard impact rolled his ankle, but this was no time for him to slow down: he was nearly at the safehouse.
A few more twists and turns and dives through buildings, and Nathan was there. Slamming the door behind him, Nathan stomped on the plate that shut every opening into the building except the sewers, and down he went, ripping up the trap door and clambering down into the foetid wastes of the oldest and foulest part of the city. Nathan paused, his breath coming in great gasping bursts. He’d made it! Free of the damn cloak.
A wet splash was Nathan’s only warning, and before he could turn he felt the dagger slide under his collarbone and into the artery. Nathan’s shocked glance showed only a deeper darkness moving away from him, and the thief cried out in fear and in pain, begging for someone to come help him. His pleas for help fell on deaf ears. The city bustled above as he lay bleeding in the storm drains below their feet.
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Louise Broadbent on 04.08.2010
Jumping straight in this time – Overall Stuff:
I like slice-of-life stories, but the risk with them is you can leave your reader with a ‘yeah, and?’ or an ‘OK, so what?’ feeling. I think for them to work you need to evoke an emotional response, and this didn’t do that for me. I didn’t care about Nathan enough, and I think there are two easy changes you could make that would help with this: 1) use his name less and 2) don’t refer to him with a label, i.e. ‘the thief’. Both of these distance your reader from him: they point him out as a character, blocking them from empathising with him as a person. I think you also need to inject more characterisation into this, as well – nothing sentimental like a wife and baby waiting at home, but something about him – all your reader really knows is that he’s a thief – you haven’t given him/her a reason to care about Nathan. Just a couple of minor details would go a long way.
Specific Lines, etc.:
Good opening sentence.
I really like the ‘jumping over drunks’ in the second sentence, although I’d cut ‘inexorable’ because you show this throughout the piece – it’s not necessary to give it a word.
‘That was how Nathan thought of the man chasing him, as the ‘cloak’. A black cloak covered the pursuer’s body, and an equally dark hood rendered his face invisible. ‘ This pauses the action, which is frustrating and jarring to read. Cut it or move it somewhere not in the middle of the action. I think if you used a capitol letter – i.e. ‘the Cloak’ you could get away with leaving it out altogether – the reader should be able to work it out.
Loved this phrase: ‘feet scrabbling for purchase on the muddy streets. ‘
Loved your use of the word ‘Gods’ – such a subtle, economical way to slip in the other-worldliness of the setting. Also reminds me of the new Battlestar Galactica.
‘The hard impact rolled his ankle, but this was no time for him to slow down: he was nearly at the safehouse.’ I think some reference to the pain shooting up his leg would make me care a little more – his lack of feeling makes him seem less human.
‘A few more twists and turns and dives through buildings, and Nathan was there.’ I’d try using the tool of adding a major, last-minute obstacle, here. It would give the ending more of a punch if you follow the traditional plot line of building obstacles – the final one so significant it looks impossible to overcome (or, in this case, escape) and then deviate by keeping your ending. You could use the ankle – maybe he falls on it and the Cloak is above him about to strike and then he rolls through to his safehouse. Just a suggestion, of course!
‘A wet splash was Nathan’s only warning,’ – this is nit-picking but can a splash ever not be wet? If you don’t need a word, cut it.
‘His pleas for help fell on deaf ears.’ Kinda nit-picking, again, but you’re using a cliché, so I’m allowed – they’re not deaf, they just don’t hear him through the floor and above the noises of the city.
I like the idea of the final line, but I think it could be re-written – something with vivid imagery would be perfect.
Again, please link me if you edit this – seeing stories develop excites me! I hope you found something helpful in this.
Louise
The Four Part Land on 04.08.2010
As with Clone, this story was unedited. I really should put that tag on these two, like I do for Breaking an Empire.
The last two sentences are actually the #storystarter from @Selorian. They were the inspiration for the story, but I put them at the end where I thought they belonged. So, for this pass I can disclaim responsibility 😉
Nathan isn’t much of a character is he? He’s sort of a device for a scene, rather than a living breathing creature. He has no emotions, he’s not even really that scared of what’s going on, he just wants to get away. I think that’s what a lot of the comments boil down to: he’s a cyborg, with all the texture and depth of Arnie in Conan (and that might be unfair to Arnie).
And you’re right that the danger level of the story doesn’t build, it flatlines. Nathan starts out fleeing from the cloak, and ends up at the same level, still fleeing, still about the same distance ahead, until he’s caught and killed. There’s no building rush like there probably should be. I’ll have to think of how to add that in.
As to the point about the Cloak being ‘inexorable’, I think it’s one of those ‘show, don’t tell’ commandments that I ignored. Editing for me usually involves cutting out a lot of the crud that clogs up the even flow of the story, although I’ve gotten a lot better about not putting it there in the first place.
Thanks again for the comments, and let me know if there’s anything I can do to assist you in your writing.
Louise Broadbent on 04.08.2010
You already have m’dear!
The Four Part Land on 04.08.2010
You’re too kind